Too much on my plate and not enough hands

So, I've made some major changes in my life fairly recently. First, D. and I decided to stay in Huntsville, at least for the time being. The main reason for staying is that the housing prices in California are extremely high right now and I refuse to go from living with my mom to living with D.'s mom. That being said, we deicded to try to get a house. I know what you're thinking, buying a house is a major project to take on and it takes lots of time and effort. I know all this, but with God's help, we were able to accomplish everything in a matter of three weeks. Now, we've moved into a very nice house.

Second, I decided to take the MAT (Millers Analogies Test) to try to get into grad school before the deadline at Alabama passes (April 15). I think I did pretty good but one never knows about these sort of things. In reference to grad school, I'm excited yet scared at the same time. On the one hand, I'm excited because it will be an opportunity to do something new in order to achieve a goal that I really want which is to get a Master's degree. On the other hand, I'm scared that I won't live up to the standards that everyone has set for me. Although my boss and co-workers have said "I'll be a great librarian," I still have that fear of failure in my head that I won't be able to cut it.

Third, I am still in the process of wedding planning. With the whole process of buying our house, wedding plans kinda took a backseat However, I did manage to have a bridal shower last Saturday which was fun yet bizzare to me. Growing up, I never really had a lot of birthday parties. I am also the type of person who doesn't really like to be the center of attention. After having said all this, you can just imagine how exciting it was for me to be at a party when I am the guest of honor and there are games being played which revolve around how well the party guests know me. It was strange. Then it was also odd seeing so many people coming out to wish me well and give me presents. It was nice and I had a great time.

I feel bad because it has been so long since I have taken the time out to write. Writing used to bring me so much joy.Writing was once my medicine; it provided me with release after a stressful day. I guess at some point in my life, I felt like my words had no power and no one cared what I had to say. I just needed time to come to the realization that if I find comfort in writing, then writing is what I need to do.

"Life" after Katrina

Let me start out this entry by saying that I am sorry to everyone whose lives have been effected by Hurrican Katrina.Now notice if you will that I said everyone not those just in New Orleans or Mississippi or Florida but everybody has been affected in some way or another.
For example, although I don't know anyone in any of those areas, my fiance's brother-in-law's (M.) parents live in New Orleans as well as his sister & her family, and his cousin lived in surrounding areas. Needless to say, when Katrina came, his brother-in-law was very worried about the whereabouts of his family.
After a week or so, M. sister got in contact and said that her and her family made it out and they were now in Houston. M.'s cousin was okay and in Atlanta. While we were all glad to hear they were okay, no one had heard anything from M.'s parents.I was really worried about them especially after the photos that are being played daily on TV, I told D. I had a bad feeling they were dead.I don't mean to be negative but even though they had a two story house, I was under the impression that they were porbably either stuck in the attic with no way out or they were stranded on the roof needing help. Eventually, they were found safe and sound in their home with a generator and food. They have since been rescued from New Orleans and are now in South Carolina.
The reason why I feel this is important to mention is because sometimes it take a tradgey to make you realize how precious life is.It also makes me feel ashamed for complaining about what I don't have and things not being my way when there are thousands out there now with nothing except for the clothes on their backs. I especailly feel bad for the kids who have lost thier parents and the elderly who lost all of their posessions. I also feel bad for those that were living on next to nothing prior to the flood and now have absolutely nothing.
Since Katrina, we have patrons coming in daily using our computers and trying to get their lives back together. When I see these people, I don't see victims, I see heroes and surviviors. I don't know how I would cope if I was in that situation. I can't even imagine what it is like to lose everything that I hold dear.I don't know what I would do if in one day, my entire life as I knew it was gone. I just don't understand how something of this magnitude could happen.All I know is that it will take a lot of time to heal and rebuild what has been lost but just the fact that there is a possibly to rebuild should serve as a testament to how strong the human spirit can be when faced with a disaster.

Giving peace a chance-sort of

Yesterday, I went with my mom to at a funeral home to pay my last repsects to the husband of the piano player for my church. It was strange because this was the first time I've even been to a family hour and I didn't really so know what behaviopr was expected from me.Then again, I never know what to say at those sort of situations;I'm always afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing or end up making the grieving person feel worse than they already do.At any rate, I was sitting there with my mom listening to a pastor reminise about "Big Moe" when it hit me: this family really loved this man and he would truly be missed.

As I sat there just pondering this thought, I realized that if my dad died today, I am harboring so much hate in my heart that I wouldn't be sad, I wouldn't cry, hell...I wouldn't probably be glad he's dead."Big Moe", whose name was actually John Moore, was a great guy. He was a man who was devoted to his family and his church and always told people how much he loved the Lord. Even when he lost both his legs, he never complained but instead,this made him even more determined to tell others about how the God impacted his life. When he had to be put on dialysis, he never missed a Sunday at church and talked about how much he loved God and his family.

We sat there for family hour(which was actually 2 hours) and listened to people share their memories of "Big Moe", I thought about my current relationship with my Dad and asked myself am I really that petty that I would continue to dwell on how my dad hurt me in the past? Who am I really hurting, him or me? Why am I choosing to hang on to this pain? I'm planning on calling my dad up and starting the healing process which, according to some, has been long overdue. Although I am giving peace a chance and attempting to improve our relationship,I am not letting him walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, I've already asked my Uncle Mack to do that.

Between an apartment and a hot house

Lately, I seem to be having problems between my family and my fiance'. According to my family, I'm never home and I spend way too much time at D.'s apartment. I have been trying to tell D. that I might as well move in since I am over there all the time anyway but he worries that by doing so, my mom will stop paying for my car insurance.

I love my mom to death but, the real reasons why I don't stay at my house is because:
1.There' s nothing to do
2.We have no heat or air and
3.The "bed" I sleep on is very uncomfortable.

When I say there's nothing to do at my house, I mean that all we do is sit around in separate rooms of the house and watch TV. Since we have three TV's, this means that there are three TV's running at the same time and sometimes, we might actully sit at the table and eat dinner together.
In reference to the lack of heat and air conditioning, this is a problem we've had for years. While I've managed to grin and bear it, sometimes you'd like to wake up in the morning and not have sheets sticking to your body or not got to bed in the freezing cold.
The last problem with being home is what I sleep on at night. At this time in my life, I at age 26, sleep on a rollaway bed. This is because our house is small. Our house was made for a family or three or maybe four and had at the most fit seven. Can you blame me for wanting to sleep in an actual bed?
I guess at the end of the day, I just love the privacy and the freedom that I feel when I'm at D.'s apartment. I can watch TV, exercise, go online, do whatever I want to do. The only thing is that I don't know what my family expects from me. When I'm not at the house, they complain that I'm not there and when I do come home, they ask me what I'm doing there. There's no winning with these people!

One hospital visit won't stop the show

My father has recently finished a stay at the hospital after suffering from a heart attack while mowing the lawn. I know what you're thinking "oh poor you,you must be so worried about your father" well not so much. As a matter of fact, had I not been called by my brother letting me know about my father's hospital stay, I probably wouldn't have went to see him at all.

Why the bitterness? Why the total lack of concern on my part? Simple. My father hasn't spoken to me in about four or five months. He got remarried, got a new family and chose to only talk to my younger brother totally distancing himself from my sister and me.

I did feel somewhat obiligated to see him however. He is my father after all and I suppose I'd feel bad if he died and I didn't make peace with him.

So this is what went down.

Me and D. went to the hospital friday night around 8:00 since that was the last chance for visitng hours in ICU. We got there and the nurse told us that they were putting something in and we would have to wait. We went to the visiting room and waited.

During this time,I realized that we were sitting right by my dad's new wife and her daughters.They were talking up a storm and were quite loud.I wrote D. a note asking if I should introduce myself and he didn't have an answer. "I don't know what to do,but I know someone who would." He called his sister on his cell phone and I told her my plight. Of course, in my telling her, I completely forgot how much my voice carries. D. politely reminded me by coming out of the visiting room saying "they can hear you in there!"

Needless to say, mortified could not even begin to express how I was feeling.I had just completely badmouthed a person I didn't even know and I had still not met her face to face. I hid behind a snack machine and then tried to lower my voice some more. After the conversation with his sister was over,I came from behind the machine running right into with Dad's new daughter. I said "hi" to her which was greeted with a confused look.

Fast forwarding to about 20 minutes later, the people that they (dad's wife and kids) were talking to had left. It was silent for a minute. Now consider this, if you were one of two groups of black people in an area, wouldn't you assume that you're there to see the same person? Guess Dad's wife missed class that day.

"So, who are you here to see?"
"I'm here to see L.J, my father."
"Who?"
"I'm L.J.'s oldest daughter."
"Oh, you mean Jay."
"Okay?"

After a few minutes of introductions and small talk, we were able to see him. I can honestly say that he looked surprised to see me and D..The nurse came over and asked him who all of his visitors were. He beamed with pride as he introduced his(3?)daughters and his future son-in-law. Now although I was touched by this gesture, I was somewhat pissed that he would have lumped those girls into the same group as me.

I was his daughter first.Before these girls were even a twinkle in their momma's eye, I was here first.

Then they invited us to their home and dad let me know that "I'm still his daughter." What a big pile of bull!

I just don't get it. Why do these girls treat him like he's a great dad? Why do they give him kisses on his cheek? What has he done to desereve such love and devotion?


D. was joking around,asking me if seeing dad in the hospital changed my mind about letting him walk me down the aisle when we get married. I told him that it'd take a whole lot more than one nice hospital visit to change my mind about something like that.

Weathering the storm (or hurricane as it were)

I am so tired of hearing about Hurricane Ivan. I live in Huntsville, Alabama and right now,I'm looking at the wind and rain outside and trees swaying in the breeze.I was so worried about the weather, I didn't go to sleep till around 11 or so.

Mom and I went to Super Walmart yesterday to get some dinner and the lines there were ridiculous. People were buying hundreds of dollars worth of food and all I could do is shake my head at them. For some reason,I'm guessing people here equate hurricane and flooding with sereve winter weather (snow) and so, they buy lots and lots of eggs, bread, and other stupid stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with people being prepared for the worse. I do have a problem with folks who freak out and shop as though the world is coming to an end.I just feel like getting on the intercom system at Walmart and saying:

Do you really need all the stuff?If you lose all your electricity, then what are you gonna do? You'll be crying in the dark because instead of remembering to buy candles and matches, you bought 12 boxes of pizzas,chicken and other stuff that if you how no power, will get really ugly really fast.

Right now, I am stuck at work while Ivan is working outside.For some reason, the library decided to open up today and act as if this is a regular business day. The few patrons that have come into to the library all ask the same question:why is the library open? Good question.

I don't think I'd be so upset except for the fact that everything else here is closed. This means schools, banks, Marshal Space Flight Center, even Madison Square Mall. But the library, like a U.S. mail, presses on in rain, gloom, or dark of night.

All I can do now is pray that when I leave fro work at 5, the worst of Ivan will hold off until I get home. I hope my mom is okay. She was leaving from work early too to try to beat this. Pray for us and all those who have been affected by Ivan.

Do as I say,not as I do

Recently, there has been what I can only decribe as a outbreak of people saying that they've been called to preach.Before I go any further, I'll explain the process that comes with those expressing a desire to preach in the primitive baptist church.

When someone says this, there is a whole process that they have to go through before they can step up into the pulpit. In the primitive baptist religion,after saying you've been called, the person (usually a guy;they don't traditionally support women preachers)has to preach a sermon in front of the church body. Following this, they have to go in front of a group call the prespretery in which he again preaches a sermon in front of preachers , deacons, and whoever else are there. Within this sermon, he has do take about about Jesus' death, burial and ressurection. If he does this and the group is pleased,he'll be ordained. If he forgets something like talking about Jesus dying but doesn't talk about his coming back from the dead, then he won't be ordained.

In the course of a few weeks,three people I know have been called. Two of these people are my cousin and my brother. People are constatnly asking me how I feel about my brother preaching and I don't really know what to say. I'm happy I guess...although somewhat surprised.I am more willing to accept him as a preacher than my cousin. She's always acted like she's the best thing since sliced bread and her preaching style is no different. When she was getting ready to preach her first sermon, her mother had invitations made and then passed them out at our church to selected people. Now keep in mind, my aunt doesn't like that many people at our church;she says that they're all jealous of my cousin because she's so talented. PLEASE!!! Also, my cousin doesn't even go to my church anymore or isn't even in the same religion we are. She also had ink pens made with the date and time of the sermon. Is that too much or what?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that they've found their purpose in life,but don't try to force your new found religion on me. You found your purpose, I'll find mine too eventually-just don't try to judge me cause last time I checked, nobody was perfect except God.

Don't come at me talking about what I'm doing wrong if you're right there with me doing it too. Don't walk around like you've never sinned when you know you have cause you'll have to take that up with God, not me.